This happened over 40 years ago and I have lived with this secret for all those years. It warped my sexual identity and my marriage.
I found Reddit and hoped that confessing my awful behaviour will help.
I was fifteen and one of my sisters was 13. My brother and I shared a very small room that had trundle beds (one bed was stored beneath the other). When the bed was popped up they were right next to each other.
My brother came down with measles or chickenpox (can’t remember) and to keep my sister and I from catching it, my mother had him sleep in my sister’s room and she slept in his bed .
I woke up during the night and it was summer and I remember the moonlight shining in the window. I looked over and my sister was sleeping and her leg was not covered up and right at the edge of my bed. My penis became hard as I looked at her leg. I touched her leg and she didn’t wake up. Then I lay next to her and pressed my erection against her leg. Ultimately, I rubbed my erection on her until I came. This was my first orgasm with another person.
She didn’t wake up and nothing happened the next day. I did it again for the next few nights until my brother recovered and they switched rooms. I thought about this when I masturbated for the next week or so.
Then one night, I went into her room and did it again. And again and again. A few times she would stir or move and I would retreat, but if she was sleeping deeply I would continue until I reached orgasm. I got bolder and would actually climb up on her bed to do what I had to do. She never work up, and she never by word or action or look made me feel she knew what I was doing.
We moved to a new house and again her room was next to ours. Usually three of four nights I would do this. I continued doing it for the next two years until I left for college.
I knew what I was doing was wrong then and I know it now. There were times when I was able to live more or less normally and times when those thoughts obsessed my life.
I got married, had two daughters and continued to live and try and be normal. I never touched my daughters in any way. My job required that I travel a lot, and away from my wife and kids, and I started watching porn, writing incest stories and masturbating way to much, while fantasizing about teenage girls.
We are separated now and instead of trying to meet women, I sit in my room and write incest porn and masturbate and other unhealthy activities.
I have thought about talking to my sister (we live thousands of miles apart) about this many times, but I can’t bring myself to do it. What good would come of it I tell myself.
A few days ago I read a post from a guy who did a similar thing only he got caught. He said of course she knew what he was doing. That rocked my world! I had always assumed that my sister was completely unaware of my nocturnal visits. But what if she was awake? That is even more horrible to contemplate. There are a few more things I have done sexually that I am not happy with, but this was the big one.
I can’t tell a psychiatrist (I know because I have tried therapy several times).
So there we are… will it help telling the world anonymously? I don’t know… maybe…
I will let you know how I feel… thanks for listening and letting me get this off my chest.
